Favorite customer one-liners

[Schlepie]

You always get a customers 2 cents worth after a project and no matter how far in the past it was, when you think about it , it makes you laugh.


" looks like a bunch of goats ran through there."

" those schrubs look great, they look like a bunch of poodles" haha

" fertalize, nah, nothin can hurt my yard" ( after 2 hrs of hand pulling weeds from the lawn)

OK guys, Wadaya got!!

[casey]

I allways get this from female customers.

"Why dontcha take off that sticky t-shirt and come inside for a cold soda"

[Richard Martin]

Here's one I heard last Tuesday when I showed up at a job to do some minor tree trimming and weed pulling.

"I meant to call you last night."

[JeremySkrocki]

I'm with Richard. I got the "Meant to call you last night night." about two weeks ago when I was supposed to start mowing a new lawn. I showed up and everything was done. The lady forgot to fire her old lawn guy's. The only saving grace was I had another lawn in the same neighborhood.

[mdb landscaping]

got this one yesterday
"why are you cutting my lawn in November? No other LCO has done that before"

she assumed i was done coming for the year. i skipped her lawn three weeks in a row so it would grow a little for the final cut. Gotta love it.

[1MajorTom]

A little old man with barely any hair tells us,

"You're quicker than my barber."

[SprinklerGuy]

My personal favorite:

You know that leak you fixed about 13 months ago? It is still leaking and it has ever since you fixed it. Could you come fix it, I won't be home but since there won't be a bill do I really need to be?

I know that is not a one liner, but.............

[Lawns2nv]

I like this one :

I went out to a customers house, to do some small tree trimming, i ask how would you like your tree's trimmed, would you like them shaped or would you like me just to trim them. The customer says " I dont no your the experts". That gets me cuz I no what I'm doing, I'm just trying to get some input on how they would like it to look. Some clients jus like a little trimming some want me to strip the heck out of their trees.

[General Grounds]

:blob3: how about

"why do i have more leaves than my neighbors".

"i dont understand why my lawn is brown, i waterr for 15min a zone, you must not be putting the proper chemicals down"

" i think you may have over fertilizes the lawn because all the leaves are starting to fall off the tree's" (nov.8).

" do you mind if i hire the cheaper landscaper to landscape my pool, you can do everything else though"(regular customer for 6 years, other bid was for about $900. less)

[bubble boy]

from non- customers, many times.

"you guys cut grass?"

i know it is just a line to get the dialogue going, but still a dumb question when your standing beside your truck.

[Turfdude]

Hey guys,

Don't forget "Hey budy, can you tell me where ..... or how do I get to... or I'm lookin' for"...

Duz the back of my shirt say ask me for directions???? Buy a map jerky!!!

[Runner]

...and let's not forget the obligatory car pulling up with the person saying. "How much do you charge to mow a lawn?"

Kind of just makes me want to run a yellow pages ad, so I can hear this every day,- over and over, and...

[Ric]

I can't afford that


You can't do it any cheaper


I am getting 10 esimates


The bigger the house and the newer the BMW more likely you are to hear these one liners.

[Henry]

2 hours to clean leaves?, I only have 1 tree.

Well, ask your neighbors to get thier leaves out of the way so it won't take us so long to pick up the ones from YOUR TREE!.

[MOW ED]

Tire kicker neighbor was asking for a quote while I was at a regular customers house. I walked over and looked and told her the price. It was a fair estimate too.

For 35 bucks I'll do it myself.

And she did, and I laughed at her.


Another old lady wanted an estimate for no more than 5 dollars on a 6000k lawn. I couldn't even explain myself for that amount.

[tpirobert]

Just finished mowing a lawn and the "man of the house" comes out and says " my wife just gave me the finger. What do you think that means? ". I did'nt have an answer for him.

[jman00]

do people just stop you and ask "how much it is to just mow and nothing else?"
I hate this.

I charge 10 extra cause i know i will never see them again. if they even let me do it.

also post some replies to some of these oneliners. it would be nice to hear if we all are onthe same page responsewise.

[thelawnguy]

"If I was 50 years younger I'd knock you flat on your azz just to show you I could."

This from a 102 lb, 4'11", 93 year old Irishman. At least once a month he tells me this.

I am 6-4, 280 lbs.

[jdwilliams1]

"it looks great Jay", that is my favorite! Isn't there a place on this forum for home owners to ask the professionals questions. No offense guys but I sure hope that discussions like these don't give us the reputation of a lawyer, if you know what I mean!:(

[cos]

I never got that Casey, but wish I have when I first started out. LOL

[brentsawyer]

JD,
At least for me these are all true and happen only occasionally. I think that we all can get a laugh out of these and think back on the really stupid but funny ones. The ultimate classic is of course, How much do you charge to mow a lawn. I think that I am sooooooooooo used to that one, I almost expect it form some and can recognize it before it comes out of their mouth and can answer it straightfaced without hesitation and just be as friendly as possible and tell them my overall average, they understand, if not, you don't them as a client, period.

[little green guy]

I've had people say to me when i do estamates "can you do any better than that?" my usual response (for example if i tell them 200.00 for leaves), "yah,how about 250.00?" I've acually been able to get more than I originally quoted with that response before.

another good one is,

"do you do snowplowing?" no lady, i'm just plowing this parking lot because the little red trolls with purple hats on that live under the bridge told me too. duhhh??? :confused: some people are so stupid

or

can you "JUST" do this or "JUST" do that or "JUST" build a 6' high x150' long stone wall. JUST is a BIG word.

or

"maybe we'll wait untill next spring" if all the peopel that siad they wanted to do work next spring realy did it i'd have so much work i'd have to hire like 15 more guys.

[Premo Services]

How about, the neighbor comming up to me and saying" I know you charge by the hour, and with that equiptment( a lazer) it shouldn`t take that long to cut real fast over the leaves, so they will blow somewhere else. Don`t worry about cleaning away from the house, or out of the beds. I figured this should be about 1/2 hours work, Right" ? :D The front of this property is more than a half acre, with 10 large oak trees.The back is 3/4 acre with a forest of oaks, etc.

[Schlepie]

Thanks for the responses guys, ok so we had one that spoiled the broth........ although henry's caught me off gaurd, I actually laughed hestericly. Or am I just easily amused.

[LAWNGODFATHER]

Originally posted by bubble boy
from non- customers, many times.

"you guys cut grass?"

i know it is just a line to get the dialogue going, but still a dumb question when your standing beside your truck.

I couldn't resist answering some of thease.

Need the trailer with 3 mowers on it too.

Even better when they ask you sitting on your mower.

[1grnlwn]

What about? I don't want to complain, but..........

I don't know how to handle this (yes she did)

Any body have the next door neighbor staring at you with hands on hips? I just stare at my last cut line. He can yell or whatever when I am done. (sometimes they are just dumbfounded by that futuristic mowin machine)

[LAWNGODFATHER]

Originally posted by Henry
2 hours to clean leaves?, I only have 1 tree.

Well, ask your neighbors to get thier leaves out of the way so it won't take us so long to pick up the ones from YOUR TREE!.

Good answer I like that one. Might be the best one yet.

Or if they no trees.

[LAWNGODFATHER]

Originally posted by MOW ED
Tire kicker neighbor was asking for a quote while I was at a regular customers house. I walked over and looked and told her the price. It was a fair estimate too.

For 35 bucks I'll do it myself.

And she did, and I laughed at her.


Another old lady wanted an estimate for no more than 5 dollars on a 6000k lawn. I couldn't even explain myself for that amount.

So give here the $5 answer.

Well we...................................................................

[LAWNGODFATHER]

Originally posted by thelawnguy
"If I was 50 years younger I'd knock you flat on your azz just to show you I could."

This from a 102 lb, 4'11", 93 year old Irishman. At least once a month he tells me this.

I am 6-4, 280 lbs.

So tell him to have another HOT beer.

Ok what did you do to him this month?

[geogunn]

I have two favorite one liners:

(1) MRS. G: "well!!! that didn't take long". GEO: "no ma'am. that's why I have this big mower, just for you MRS. G" as I hold out my hand for a nice fat check!

(2) after being fired for using my lesco on a bluegrass lawn eventhough I had done the leaf collection for the previous two years, MRS. W calls and asks: "MR. GEO, this is MRS. W. I'd like to know if you'd like to come pick up my leaves?" I got to say "thanks for calling but no ma'am, I only pick up leaves for my lawn customers".

gees! I thought she'd never call so I could tell her that!

GEO

[bobbygedd]

" hi bob, this is mr. x, u know, from down on xxx street, u still remember how to get here, right? well, i have a problem, can u help me? i seemed to have lost my dog, i think hes in the lawn, but its 3 feet high, HOW ABOUT GETTING YUR AZZ DOWN HERE AND CUTTING IT!!!! CLICK!

[kutnkru]

My favorites are when someone calls your office because they think they have looked up the right contractor in the phonebook but they have not (calling Lawn medic instead of Lawn Doctor, Lawn Pro instead of Turf Pro, etc.).

Then you just stop by and give them a quote and they ususally say "We would be delighted if you could add us to your schedule". http://www.theunholytrinity.org/cracks_smileys/contrib/ruinkai/bigglasses.gif

Kris

[ronslawncare]

this is one i ve been getting lately alot for clean -ups ...there really aint that much leaves i do it my self every year but my back hurts i swear i heard that from 3 people this month.

i need you to give me a estimate before all my leaves are fallen because im shopping around.


this is the ultimate line everyone has to get this one or im doing something wrong..
why do you charge so much my other landscaper did it for 20.00
then i usally say really thats a great price what happen why dont you use him anymore ...uhh he moved,died,went back to his country,all kinds of crap than i leave them my card or flier and bye the time i get home there usally calling to come and do the work......lol

[TGCummings]

Casey,

You're doing something right... ;)


Runner,

That is my personal pet peeve... Still, you're right, it gets the conversation going...

[General Grounds]

:blob2: How about


"wow, your cutting on saturday this week, it did'nt rain that much" this is the same persn who would call and ***** if you cut 2 hourrs after rain.

[kutnkru]

I think that alot of these statements and gripes are exactly the reason why we need to discuss how we are going to do things and why.

Then when they call just direct them to the contract where it explains it to them. We must educate them the best we can and provide them with quality results so they know that we are not jerking their chains, but maintaining their accounts from a business perspective not for beer money.

Thats what theres snow belts for is the beer money!!! If you choose to live in a nicer climate than mine and arent fortunate enough to be graced with sub zero windshills and blustery conditions ,,,, then you dont deserve the beer -LMAO!!! :laugh:

Kris

[Jay ALC]

Originally posted by jdwilliams1
"it looks great Jay"

I get that one all the time, what is the deal with that? :D

[Shady Brook]

Boy was today filled with some real winners. I don't know who was worse, the neighbors or the customers today.

I was mowing a house, and just finishing cutting, out of the corner of my eye I see the neighbor! He is a fella that I also provide lawn service for... but the only time he speaks to me is if he has a problem.

I roll up to him, and he says "how many more times ya planin on cuttin the grass". I explain how the grass really has slowed down alot, and I could cut him one more time if he wishes, but really there is no point in cutting any more this year. He starts fussin and skawking about how it did not even grow in the past two weeks, what the H am I gonna be cutting. I told him that I did not have to cut the grass, I was just cutting he neighbor because she had growth. so he says "well you might as well finish it since you already started". I said, but sir I have not cut any of your lawn! So then he asks quietly "do you think it needs cut?"

What!!!

:confused:

Did this man actually even look at the grass before harassing me? These people kill me.

:p

[hustlers]

u guys are moving like a house is on fire!!!!!!!!!

[grassyfras]

GEEEEZ 35$ thats alot of money

How much did your mower cost a thousand dollars?

Did you rake the lawn?

I think it can wait a day or two.

I hate it when people ask me to cut there lawn for a one time cut. And then want to pay the minimum ammont. next year none of that.

[Scag48]

The one that I absolutely hate is "How much do you charge to mow a lawn?" I hate that one! People haven't figured out that I cut anywhere from a 25 min 750-1000 Sqf. lawn to a 2 acre "estate" and they ask what do I charge! ARRGGGHHH! DUH!

The other one that I get is "You're just a kid, you can't mow lawns professionally!" The hell I can't...

[TGCummings]

The one that I absolutely hate is "How much do you charge to mow a lawn?" I hate that one!

To make matters worse, they all get a glossy stare in their eyes from my typical response: "It varies depending on the lawn..."

It's like they never even considered that I might charge differently for different lawns... :)

[kutnkru]

Originally posted by TGCummings
To make matters worse, they all get a glossy stare in their eyes from my typical response: "It varies depending on the lawn..."I love it when they look like ducks watching a lightning storm -LMAO!!! Too funny. :laugh:

[E-man]

went to give an estimate to trim a pin oak for a lady, she come out and said a guy was supposed to do it three months ago but never showed , she heard he lost all of his equipment. So I give her a price of $550.00 and (you all know the line) can you do any better this guy was going to do it for $175.00. I told her no and thats how the guy probably went out of business and looked at me with a blank stare and said oh! duh

[65hoss]

Originally posted by TGCummings
The one that I absolutely hate is "How much do you charge to mow a lawn?" I hate that one!

To make matters worse, they all get a glossy stare in their eyes from my typical response: "It varies depending on the lawn..."

It's like they never even considered that I might charge differently for different lawns... :)


Then they add "give me a ballpark". I usually answer Autozone Park. The new AAA baseball stadium here.

[beck]

For a newer customer

$30/wkly cut three times befor leaves started falling.
she has zoysia so not much growth i figured a two week schedule for leaves since 3 neighbours across the street have large oak trees.
1st leaf job $50 end of month send out bill with reasons why leaves are more than grass cutting

more time
more equipment
more equipment maint.
yard waste fees

called me to complain about pricing she thought i charged her
$30 to cut the grass then $50 on top of that for the leaves. "That is a bit high" Mam if you look closely those are on two different dates Oh well then that is not as bad as I first thought. But $50 is still high according to her husband. "We will have to cancel service until spring. That is just not in our budget"

Leaves 2X a month @$50 = $100
4 grass cuttings @ $30 = $120

I dont get it she is paying less monthly but thinks my rates are too high.

same lady why didnt you edge where the van is, maybe because the van is in the way.
and last but not least why didnt you edge the whole sidewalk, you stopped about ten feet from the end. Mam that is where your property ends

[PetalsandPines]

isn't it great when one of your past customers are struggling with a lawn full of leaves and you come in and blast through their neighbors house in 5 minutes (leaves and all) and they stand there dumb-founded? (knowing that they are going to be there for the next 3 hours and a box of garbage bags):D :D :D

[PRECISION LC]

in the middle of the season i had a man approach me in a new blk. bmw. he asked me what i charged for the lawn and then asked if i was looking for other work, of course i said yes, i asked him what kinda of work he wanted, mowing, trimming, fertilizing, you get the idea. he leaned towards me and said, do you want to be a male escort, i said excuse me!
i know its not a one-liner, but good story.
:blob2:

[65hoss]

I guess with the name Precision, he thought you might be precise with other things.:D

[PRECISION LC]

if you want to know the bad part, when he asked what i charged and lco info, he asked for a card, so i gave him one, he called me like 10 times to try and meet with me, i told me to get lost, and that he is a distured individual.:blob2:

[TGCummings]

Well now, Precision, did you at least run some figures? Lotta money to be made in that line of work w/ little overhead. ;)

[captdevo]

"Walker, hell no, i wanna ride"


"i keep getting flies on my bush"


"is it cheaper if you push mow it?"

[Twotoros]

A great older customer of mine always said," This old age'll kill ya."

Guess what? It did and will. I am always sorry to see the good ones go because there are very few left (good customers).:(

[Lawn Dog2001]

My all time favorite is an answering machine message from a customer after 2 straight weeks of rain one spring.

"Chuck. Can you please come cut the lawn right now! The grass is so high I cant find my dog"

Heres another good one.

"Wow thats one big lawn mower! I bet you that cost at least 3 or 400 dollars!"

[bobbygedd]

LITTLE OLD LADY SAYS TO ME, "WHY DONT U TIE YOUR SHOES, OH WELL IT MUST BE HARD TO BEND THAT FAR WITH THAT BIG STOMACH IN THE WAY"

[grass chaser]

My favorite was when after it rained for a whole week she called me up and asked if I could cut her grass because it is so high "THAT IT TICKLES HER DOGS BUTT WHEN IT GOES TO THE BATHROOM".

[cantoo]

I have a customer who only calls us when he doesn't have time to cut his own lawn. He always calls when it has rained for four days straight and rain is predicted for the next four days and asks us to come cut his lawn, I guess he figures we have a direct line and can shut off the rain to do his lawn.

[LawnPro in NC]

My wife wonders why I like this site so much. I tell her it is Informative and FUNNY. Thanks for all the laughs.:laugh: til I :cry: and my side hurts.

[Schlepie]

forgot these two

"well if the dog is that stupid , he deserves to get run over"

customer calls and tells my wife that" he got his mower fixed and wont be needing it done anymore, he only mowed it once for me and he couldn't get his big mower in the back anyway". Wife calls me and said Mr. X called and I said who is that , thats not a customer of mine......... at least not yet.

[BigJim]

*can I pay next week.I had to pay my rent,food,power,mortgage this week and I'm a little short!
*I'm sure I posted that check last week!
*Your bids the same as the last 10 guys,oh well I'll give it to the first guy,thanks for calling round!
*We're moving outa town can you mow tommorrow and send the bill to our new address......yeah right
*oh your finished do I have to pay now!....
*Excuse me do you mow lawns?...Hold on while I turn the mower off I cant hear you!
*$25 to mow the lawn,how many acres does that get!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Yes I'll definitely pick up the dog doos before you get here
*Dont worry about all the car parts in the grass,just mow round 'em
*If you find the dog chain in the grass I'd like it back!
*Yes we want a regular mow is twice a year enough!
*You guys give discounts
*In 1935 they only charged $2 to mow this lawn
*Gee that ride on mows twice as fast as a push mower do I pay half!
*Thats a fantastic job,can you cut it shorter next time!
*Oh while your trimming can you run over the vacant acre lot outback,hasn't been done all year,shouldn't take you a couple minutes!
*Burglars broke in and stole me checkbook,lucky thats all they got,I'll have pay next time!
*Oh darn my husbands taken the check book to work!
*Oh darn the wifes taken the check book shopping!
*Still haven't got that check,funny I definitely sent it last week!
*You guys should get a real job like normal folk!
*Can you mow queitly I'm gonna have a nap!
*You didnt mow yesterday was that torrential rain too heavy?
*I dont think it needs mowing today,come back next week,hope
you didn't waste your time coming round!

..................Oh dont you just love'm.............

:cry:

[LAWNGODFATHER]

I see It's not just Americans customers that are strange.

I guess they watch too much American TV over yonder!!!

[mmorgan]

After discussing a price increase with a customer for mowing, his reply was this:

"Is this something you have to do, or something that you are just doing?"

My reply: "If I did this just for kicks, I would do it every couple of weeks. It is a 'must do' kinda thing. Do you understand?":laugh:

[Green Care]

My neighbor,says Antonio did my wife take care of you?NO
She is a cheap asssssssssssssss.
It,s her turn. Don' worry I'll pay you.

[MuskTurfKing]

I HATE it when you discuss doing something with someone and after you give them a price and they are going inside, they say, "Oh yeah, could you....roll up my hose, or get those leaves behind there, or some other thing that adds 5 minutes." It drives me nuts!

Hank

[MATTHEW]

When fertilizing a lawn one day, A guy stopped me and asked " will that stuff grow hair?" showing me his shiner under his cap.:p

[Pacific Nursery]

This is great! It's nice to know that these dumb a**es are everywhere.

"Do you cut grass" I love it!!!!!

These are the ones to hit hard with the $ if they take it great maybe the $ will be worth it. I usually find that these are the people you don't want. Or I tack on a PIA tax. Pain in the a**

[Eric ELM]

I had a first year customer call me up and tell me I must not of fertilized up by the front of the house.

I said, why do you think that?

She said, because there is no grass growing there, it's just bare dirt.

I told her that fertilizer only feeds existing grass and it will not make grass appear in bare dirt in the shade up by the house.

No wonder she hires her work done. :D

[vipermanz]

"The Property Line, The Property Line"

[Equipguy]

How much did that mower cost? Holy %&*+$# thats more than my car!

[ericksonbrad@hotmail.com]

while mowing a neighbor lady came up to tell me that the little bit of grass that was being left on the road was running down into the culdesac and clogging up her storm sewer. i told her i was sure that this wasnt due to us, she got pissed so i said we would clean the street completely every time we mowed. after the season was over i ran into the guy who takes care of her lawn at mcdonalds and we talked for a while, i told him the story and he started laughing saying in the spring all the sand from the winter had accumulated in front of her house and they swept it all down the drain. to make matters worse i found out she is the wife of the CEO of one of the largest power equipment manufacturers. i wont mention any names but the initials are TORO and thats all i run. talk about biting the hand that feeds you. well kind of.

i also had a customer say after telling me that she wasnt going to pay her bill that "lawn services are a dime a dozen" to which i replied "so are customers who dont want to pay." imagine how busy things would be if noone had to pay, we cant keep up with the paying customers.


another one that just kills me is those 100 degree days when sweating like a ***** in confession the idiot who comes up only to ask "you guys busy?" no i'm just out trying to catch a tan.


and finally "can i ask a dumb question" its always fun to come back with "you just did!"

[Rodney Johns]

"you just made one pass over your line there buddy"
Nope sorry not your buddy. Sorry I did that. God knows your 300 lb butt didn't this extra walking.

"while your here can you do the gutters"
Yeah lady it's July and we just happen to have a 40 ft ladder here to get the second story of your house cleaned up.

"What would it cost just to mow every 3-4 weeks" (doctor said this one)
Well lets see after we bring out the brush hog, hay rake, bailer, and then run over it with our riders. You should save a fortune. By the way nice new Van.

and #1 is
"Well my neighbor says.................
Oh yeah Mr. Genious.......Yeah heard he talked the other day at the smart guy convention. He gave a great talk at the factory on why I hate my job and why he should be upper manangement. Let me know when he is back so I can get some pointers.

Great comments from all!!!

[LAWNS AND MOWER]

Just a few that come to mind.

New client said "Mow every 10 days but only on fridays" Okay lady, lets do the math!!!

Potential client trying to get an estimate over the phone states "It only takes my husband 1 hour to mow the yard with a push mower" First cut takes me 2 hours with a 44inch WB!!! Your husband must be Micheal Johnson!!!!

Must hear this one twice a day. "what do you do in the winter?" My response is 'Lay on the couch, drink football and watch beer'


LAWNS AND MOWER

[Grass_Slayer]

i always love:

how much does a mower like that cost

or on a yard mowed every two weeks, my husband thought the yard needed to be mowed so he bought a new mower

or i meant to tell you last time, my husband got out of prison so he can mow it now

[sheppard]

Pull up to a customers house- she comes out and says" Why are all these acorns on the ground?" "Do you have anything to pick them up?" No ma'am. "Well, they have to get picked up..." Nothing gets them up Ma'am. "Well I'll just tell my husband!". OK. At this point she turns around and goes back in side the house. I stand there and think "I don't need this... I got into this business to relax and have fun, and make $$$". Got home and dropped her then wished her a happy thanksgiving.

Cordially,
Sheppard

[Ray&Christine]

After cutting grass and gathering fall leaves customer hands me $20.00 and says "this should cover it" without even asking me how much she owes us.

The same customer asked for quote to weed overgrown flowerbeds I gave her our hourly rate and she laughed and said "it's not rocket science work I can hire a student for $5.00 an hour. "

You have to wonder when people ask for a quote because they are not happy with their present gardener's workmanship when you look at their property and it's a top notch job.



Ray & Christine