12 Warnings issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to all visiting Yankees: 1) Don't order steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know. 2) Don't laugh at southern people's names. (Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Darla Beth, Inez, Bubba, Billy Joe Bob, Sissy, etc.) These people have been known to kick a man's ass for less. 3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to an ass kicking. Down south it's called Coke. It don't make a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.Pepper, 7-Up or whatever else, it's a Coke. 4) Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the Big 12, SEC or ACC or we'll kick your ass (Texas, Oklahoma, Carolina, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, etc.). All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming. We'll kick their ass, too. 5) Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally lots nicer. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgment (e.g., Clinton, Fordice, Gore, Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb because we will kick your ass. 6) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass. 7) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended, and don't put sugar on your grits or we'll kick your ass. 8) Don't fake a southern accent. This will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked. 9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. If you don't like it here, take your ass home before we kick it. 10) We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy northern games, so don't come down here asking the score because we don't give a damn and we'll kick your ass. 11) We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go home or we'll kick your ass. 12) Last, but not least, DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to BBQ. This will get your ass shot off (after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our BBQ, and go home in a pine box minus your ass. 'Nuff said.