Open Letter to Mother Nature -

Discussion in 'Landscape Lighting' started by INTEGRA Bespoke Lighting, Mar 17, 2008.

  1. INTEGRA Bespoke Lighting

    INTEGRA Bespoke Lighting LawnSite Platinum Member
    Messages: 4,102

    Came across this bit of prose yesterday... very funny and it does have to do with the outdoor lighting industry.. at least to us in the NE.

    SCOTT FESCHUK | March 12, 2008 |

    Dear B@%ch,

    Are you for real?

    We know it was wrong of us to stand idly by and let Al Gore show all those explicit photographs of what you're going to look like 30 years from now. But seriously — ease off. Enough with the apocalyptic downfalls of snow mixed with ice pellets mixed with freezing rain mixed with snow pellets mixed with the frozen tears of sedentary Maclean's columnists who just can't lift the shovel even one more goddamn time. I'm not saying I'm totally sick of winter, but see that animal's head mounted above my fireplace? Say hello to Punxsutawney Phil. Shadow-seeing bastard had it coming.

    In Ottawa, we're closing in on the all-time record snowfall of 444.1 cm — a mark that has stood for almost four decades. Spring seems as far off as Jessica Alba's Academy Award. How bad is it in the nation's capital? I have to wear an avalanche beacon when I go out to get the paper. The local TV weather guy has the eerily distant look of a soldier with post-traumatic shock or a teenage virgin who's been left alone with Charlie Sheen for seven minutes. And at press time Scatman Crothers was desperately trying to get here before Jack Nicholson attacks my family.

    Word is you've been kinder to other parts of Canada. Calgary was pushing 12 degrees this week. The mercury in Whitehorse hit the positive numbers. And Winnipeg reportedly made it a record six straight days without a single mosquito joke. But you continue to treat Ontario and all parts east as your own personal snow globe.

    We've tried to have patience. Some of us have also tried patience's little helper, Xanax. But look what you've done to us. We're a quivering mass of shattered nerves, deadened eyes and extended middle fingers. Our arms ache from all the ice-scraping. Our eyes sting from the unrelenting glare. Our brains atrophy from hours spent staring at the shelves of the local DVD shop and trying to remember which of the Ernest movies we still haven't seen.

    What's eating you, Mother Nature? Is it us? Listen, we all still have regrets about those 1970s commercials for Chiffon margarine — the ones with the catchphrase, "It's not nice to fool Mother Nature." The special effects were cheesy at best and some of those woodland creatures really phoned in their performances. And yes, we bear a collective responsibility for failing to punish Hollywood for callously having you portrayed in films by not only Phyllis Diller but also Bette Midler. Next time, Scarlett Johansson in a fig leaf. We promise.

    But you need to lighten up. Winters like this — they're not something that humans are built to endure. In that way they're like all Robin Williams movies since 1987. We can't take the physical strain of trudging through this much snow. We can't take the mental strain of driving on impassable streets. And we can't outrun the yetis who've come down from the hills to feast.

    What's that you say? If we don't like it we should go somewhere warmer? Oh you'd love that, wouldn't you? You'd love us to go to the airport so you can hurl another 50 cm of glistening white misery at us. We'll end up like those people on the news who spent half their March break in line at the departure-lounge Sbarro.

    I always pictured you as a nice lady, sauntering through idyllic forests, bluebirds chirping merrily as they fluttered around your head. Maybe you'd stop now and then to enjoy a leisurely cup of tea with other famed anthropomorphized figures such as Jack Frost or Andy Rooney. And then you'd be on your way to cuddle a cute bunny rabbit or make the sun shine out of Barack Obama's ass.

    But it turns out you're one mean slut. So much snow has fallen this winter that hell itself has frozen over — and you know what that means: now Rob Schneider gets to star in another movie. Thanks a lot, Mother Nature: first 410 cm of snow; next, Deuce Bigalow III: Gigolo Harder.

    You and I have had our differences before. As one who sweats profusely under certain conditions, such as sitting quietly at room temperature, I wasn't too wild about the summer of 2005. By late June I was technically classified as an estuary. But this is different. This is worse. This winter has worn me down like a Rosie O'Donnell opinion. And to think this is the thanks I get from Mother Nature for spending 90 whole minutes cleaning up that riverbank that one afternoon 20 years ago when I was trying to hit on that enviro-chick who never wore a bra.

    One last thing: because of the snow and the cold, I haven't been able to take down the Christmas lights yet. But with you in mind I did manage to rearrange them to spell, "Up Yours." We know it's not nice to fool you — but there's nothing in there that says we can't punch you in the face.


  2. Lite4

    Lite4 LawnSite Gold Member
    Messages: 3,187

    Boy, it sure is a good thing we are experiencing global warming. Al Gore is a MORON!!!!!!:hammerhead:
  3. JoeyD

    JoeyD LawnSite Silver Member
    Messages: 2,933

  4. pete scalia

    pete scalia LawnSite Senior Member
    Messages: 960

    Thank God Bush ended his political career (or was that Clinton who did that). I Love Bush!!!
  5. steveparrott

    steveparrott LawnSite Bronze Member
    Messages: 1,276

    Tim and Pete, I wonder if your potential clients are reading your posts. Let's see, upper class folks, patrons of the arts, environmental supporters, mostly democrat, probably love Al Gore. You must be scoring big points with them.
  6. INTEGRA Bespoke Lighting

    INTEGRA Bespoke Lighting LawnSite Platinum Member
    Messages: 4,102

    That is funny Steve, I was thinking exactly the same thing.

    Have a great day.
  7. JoeyD

    JoeyD LawnSite Silver Member
    Messages: 2,933

    I am sure there are a lot of people, matter of fact I know there are a lot of people who also feel other wise to him (mr. Gore). I think it is a general rule to never discuss politics with a potential client or customer but freedom of speech and opinion is what makes this country so great. You dont need to share political opinions to be a good lighting guy, am I wrong? Matter of fact I have great relationships with people who have opposite opinions then I on political issues.

    My beef with Al Gore stems from him giving free reign to the Sierra Club and other associations who would love to shut down every single area dedicated to Off Roaders. I grew up camping in the desert, riding ATV's, and playing around in 4x4 trucks. This is a tradition that has carried down to my kids now and he along with a bunch of others would love to take that away from us so that way these hills and desert dunes can sit in peace. Someone who never goes to the desert or plays in off road vehicles could care less about what my family and millions of others enjoy as a hobby and past time. Thats my beef with the guy, other than that I think he is great, I mean he did invent the internet right?!

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